I’m going to write about something I have hidden for so long.
I think the theme of my writing has become about things like this, so I think it fits in.
This isn’t a long blog. But it is another one of those things where I realise that maybe, maybe, I could have told somebody this. All of this. Not a random person, there was only one person I craved talking to. I had the words in my head – as with so much on this blog – I was seeking safety.
I have self-destroyed in order to protect myself. In order to feel safe. Not self-harm, god no. I mean, as an example, making sure I got a few answers wrong in exams, even at a young age, so nobody would tell people I got it all right. Being chased to represent a school in spelling competitions left me feeling very sick. I just wanted to score goals on the school playground at lunchtimes.
Being different always felt so scary.
And I think I have done that a few times in my life. Hidden things, let others lead and I have acted stupid, and even just making sure people do not get too close.
I’m so grateful that my therapy recently gave me the chance to admit this. But that was such a sad experience. It’s strange, even these ideas in my head right now, arriving from nowhere, floating, growing, consuming me, there is only one person I would want to discuss things with.
Please, please, if anybody ever reads this. Do not let your uniqueness be your tomb. Be what you were created to be, do not fit yourself into a box to feel normal. Normal is impossible, we are all built do be unique. I know my weirdness is my super-power (sorry Aubs!) and I truly hope you realise it too.