Attention
*I think I have something scheduled for tomorrow. I didn’t plan this piece. I just wrote it… it felt like words that needed to be written.*
I’ve spent so much time hiding behind anything that can cast a shadow, that I forgot that light exists. Yeah, this has been a bit of a miserable experience if you have read this blog. But this isn’t a cry for help, a need for attention, it never was that.
That is the problem, I can think of some words that knocked me back. Before the hiding, a claim that I posted photos of me online for attention, or words for exposure, or that I needed things and I was out for validation only.
Aren’t we all after validation?
I’m not angry with the person who made me feel that I was an attention seeker, not at all. Maybe I was frustrated at one point but that has gone with the wind. Gone and replaced with a wish that the person I heard this from could have known that 1,000,000 views and shares wouldn’t have meant anything close to how it felt to hold their hand in mine.
But I come from a place where the only photos missing from the wall were ones of me. Where I had to learn that not being noticed was maybe sometimes the safest thing for me. So even if a photo of me was me just reminding myself that I belong on a wall, what is wrong with that?
I’m not angry, I am not annoyed. There is no part of me that feels anything close to how I felt for nearly two years straight. And that is OK, it doesn’t mean I won’t ever feel frustrated again, I just want to focus my efforts on building something that feels like home.
I haven’t checked the statistics for this website once. It doesn’t bother me. A part of me wants people to see that no matter your age, gender or background, that struggles are real and valid. But I am also not concerned if this blog sits here for 10-years with the only visitor being me. It is not about attention, it is a place for me to work on the aspects I left locked in a cupboard.
Creativity, sensitivity, vulnerability, ideas, understanding and so much more. Outside of this I will use everything I have learned to build something I have never done before, knowing that there are small acorns that can grow into something stronger than ever.
I’m not after attention. Like in the blog I wrote where I said that I’ve had people tell me I don’t celebrate my birthday because I feel I don’t deserve it. I just let them say it, but what happens is my inner voice, that childlike voice, reminds me that nobody knows me.
And actually that’s OK. I’m not going to allow perception to create reality. Like I said in that block, I just loved celebrating people more than anything in the world. One of the most beautiful things is the reaction from somebody when you share a kind word. The world misses that – we need more compassion.
I know, without a doubt, I needed compassion at one point – and it didn’t come. So it is also time for me to create my own compassion, my own story, my own way of showing who I am, instead of being told. I can’t be hurt now. And that alone means I won’t hide away. Get money, make a difference, build something new.
Pay it forward with love.