Out of sync. Written after some that are upcoming, but was just a bit of a word dump. I keep trying not to play with the children of my friends. A two-year old, a 5-year old, more ages as well. Different friends, different children. The two-year old keeps chasing me asking for me to draw with him, others children just coming and sitting next to me. I used to enjoy this, but it now just feels like I cannot let them in. I cannot allow any type of connection.
Because I am absolutely and forever heartbroken about connections.
Then the beach.
My friends, their daughter, she’s a bit older – 10 – but again she warms to me quickly. I try and make an excuse. Walk across the other side, sit down. It doesn’t work. So I offer her my camera – quickly show her how to use it, she has a knack for it, starts taking some quite brilliant photos and rushes to show me.
I don’t want to let her down. So I start talking to her, ask her about what she enjoys. She brings up dinosaurs and fossils and I just nod. I feel bad, but she is strong and funny and exactly what a child should be. Brave, confident, funny. How can we not love children.
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Maybe the offer to go a thousand miles away will give me a chance to build something new and not have to worry about connections.