Kinda weird, isn’t it?
People seem to see you different than you see yourself. I feel like I have been fighting to be seen and heard for so long. I’m now at a point where if somebody thinks it would hurt me to take things from me – that I am just feeling like giving them what they want. If somebody wants to fight and do so much, and the other person just wants peace. Then maybe peace is the option.
And suddenly somebody I love, unrelated to me, has sat me down and said they have all been talking about me, who I am, and what they can do with their connections if I just say yes.
I can’t be hurt anymore. I’d give absolutely the earth to find a way of doing things that isn’t about a battle, and that is because I have an incredible need for peace. It’s sad that people I have tried to change things with spend time in denial. But I am also lucky that (other) friends on the outside who know these people have also given me a clear identifier that things will never change. I know I made the choice before and this helps me know that I was right the first time.
Maybe these people know me.
Because I know they (friends I am with right now) have not seen the latest blogs yet. I’m with them. I am using their laptop. They have left it with me, on my bed, where I schedule things. Things written for a decade, during COVID, things that I have combined.
They don’t know about the things I have written about being unseen, or about so much that happened across decades. Long before I ever set foot in this house. They have sat and listened to my biggest sadness, the one thing that I struggle with, but also the one thing that maybe just needs to be let go of. I do not want to, but my only need right now is peace and that runs parallel with the door closing on anybody who will ever want to try and hurt me. Right now, it doesn’t work. I feel secure in myself.
And without knowing this – and other things scheduled. For the first time I have to accept that maybe I was wrong and there are some people who do know me a little bit after all.
Now, the question is, what does 13hours and 6000 miles look like?
I crave peace.
And this post is just a general ramble with words from friends ringing in my ears and over 30-years of thoughts all melting into one.