I think this is turning into a garbage truck, and my words are the filling. But I am torn between what my senses and logic tell me, and what my fear stops me doing. I see a world being burned by people with an agenda, and standing up and saying NO is what feels right, but at the same time hiding away from it all feels safe. I have a chronic awful load of self-doubt inside me and I second guess everything.
I want to stand up and put words on paper that are there to, well I hope, inspire people to stop their rage, to stop attacking Police, to stop attacking people different to us, and then my chronic self doubt – those words – in my head – are telling me that nothing I say matters and hiding away is better, safer, the only choice.
Torn between critical self-doubt and wanting to put an end to the madness. Even as just one single, quiet, unimportant voice.
One Hour Later
I wrote the above, I wrote and published and then had a bee in my bonnet. I took the words in my head, I ignored the doubt. I ignored the fact that ever since I was a child, I have been attacked and targeted with every small mistake ended in the most severe punishment.
But I did it. I faced that voice that has been with casting so much doubt and darkness on my decisions, and recorded a video and published a video that is me, authentic.
And then I logged off.
And then I deleted the app.
What I did wasn’t wrong, but my severe self-doubt had me triggering myself to the point I felt sick.
But I did it. I was authentic.